Ive been recommended on 2 separate occasions that I should journal during this season of life that we are in. So here we go. I am going to be transparent here which may translate to whining to some people depending on how well you know me or not. This is my heart. Its that simple.
Two things I have come to find since Ryan started in Florida are that I'll take his snoring back any day if it means having him here beside me at night. And that my bed now seems too big. We had been talking about getting a new bed and mattress and upgrading to a king so we could have more room or in other words more space between us - now I'd give anything to just have him in the space next to me. It certainly has made me realize all the things I miss that I never thought I would. Made me realize what I have taken for granted. I just miss him. His presence next to me and with me in our home.
I have said now that I don't like doing life without him. I don't like watching any of our shows now because it just doesn't seem right without him. As I type this I wonder if I left out the first few sentences if someone reading this would think that my spouse had died. Thats kind of what this feels like. I feel like I am grieving a loss when he leaves. I have to go through it with my girls - have to hear them say they miss their daddy. It doesn't make this any easier.
I am not trying to complain but lately I have been wondering if we made the right decision. If my motives for agreeing to letting him go were in vain - selfish because I was thinking of the extra money --which has been nice. But I'd take a paycut now if it meant he could stay here. Its harder than I thought it was going to be. I am praying that we did make the right decision and that God would reveal that to us clearly instead of what I can assume is Satan attacking us making us think we aren't in God's will with this job. I don't know. I would give to know that right now. I would love to have a peace about this season of life we have agreed to put our family thru. 2 days home is not enough. Its enough to make real what I am missing so deeply - and then to take it away again. It hurts to say goodbye. And now that we've done it twice I don't see it getting any easier.
I joke with Ryan that he should stop being so great so it wouldn't be so hard on me to have him gone. Truth is I am spoiled and that's why this is so hard. I truly married my best friend and true partner in life. And when he's not here I do feel like things aren't right and that my life seems to fall apart and I break --I crack under the pressure. We became 1 when we got married and when 1 is divided you get a fraction of a whole - I look at that as that I cant fully function without him by my side. I just miss him. As I type these words I am fighting back tears because its so fresh today - he left this morning. I didn't want to let go. It wasn't enough time.
The alternatives aren't as easy as just us all packing up and heading down there. Too many things here that I still need to function. Family, friends, child friendly living situation. Plus I don't want Lily to miss out on finishing up kindergarten. Plus the current living arrangement in florida would not be enough room for us. Ryan will get a bigger place starting in April. So we'll see how things are then if we should consider taking Lily out of school to go be with daddy. I just don't want to get down there and then miss things here. Its a tough road. I just pray that its the road we are supposed to be taking and that it wont mess our kids up with all the instability. We've had so much change this year with selling our old house living with Ryan's parents bringing home a new baby and now this. This by far is my worst season of life. I'd take all the other ones back over this.
Ok thats enough for now. If you are reading this and you pray please pray for me. I need it each and every day. I need grace with my kids. Patience to get thru this. I just wish I knew for sure how long it was going to be. But its kinda just like life and trials we go through we never know how long God wants us to go through them or how long its going to take for us to learn what he wants us to from it. So I will keep on trusting Him with this --but that doesn't mean its going to be easy or that it doesn't hurt.
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