I do support and am proud of my husband and what he's doing for our family. I may complain and vent from time to time, but deep down I know that all of this is going to have a wonderful pay out in the end. Currently the immediate is the extra money coming in that is helping us save a bigger emergency fund and build up savings for finishing our basement one day. So for that I am grateful. I am thankful my husband has a good job and that I am blessed to stay home with my kids. This is something we decided before we even got married that I would stay home with our kids. So right away we started to adjust our finances and plan to live on one income and to save most of mine. We used most of mine to aggressively pay off our cars in a decent time way before their term was due (I hate car payments).
I don't want my feeling free to vent to offend anyone or to make anyone think that I am not grateful for anything that I have in my life. I just know that any other stay at home mom out there who has to go without her husband and partner in life for a long period of time or even short periods - is going to have some issues and get frustrated. Is going to have melt downs- is going to get sick of her kids. Especially if they are young and still around all day long - especially if they fight a lot when they are home.
I love being home with my kids. I chose to do this. I chose to give up my career (job) and I chose to be home with my kids. So I guess you could say I should just suck it up and enjoy every minute right? Because I DO know that there are those out there who would love to be home with their kids. Every situation is different and I would appreciate it if you don't judge me based on your situation. ANYONE when thrown into a single parent situation that has nothing but 5year olds and younger to talk to during the day and evening - to interact with - is going to get over whelmed. I could turn to you and say - well at least you get to be out of the house - at least you get adult interaction. I could have adult interaction if I wanted to work outside the home. But again I chose to be home with my children. To each their own. Everyone's situation is different not one situation should seem easier than another's because we don't all know what each other go through-- we aren't there.
I am not going to say that if you work and also have to be alone with your kids once you get home that it isn't just as hard? I know it is. Its lonely and I will say it again - I do have a new found respect and compassion for single moms and moms with military spouses. I mean at least I get to talk to my husband. Some wives don't even get to communicate with them. And for THAT I am grateful. For that I am blessed. I don't want to get into a debate with anyone. Maybe I should chose a different way to let out my feelings than to put it out there on the internet. I guess I just thought maybe if I got a little sympathy I would feel better? But what I really should be doing is venting to the ONE who truly cares for me unconditionally and I know for a fact has missed me this week - maybe that's why its been so hard lately? I have neglected my time with God. Its probably because ANY time I get alone to myself I chose to shower or unload the dishwasher or catch up on bills and receipts or folding laundry...I should be spending that time praying to God to give me strength throughout my day and to give me patience with my kids - and to allow for quiet alone time in my day where I can renew myself - where I can gather my thoughts and get my sanity back so I can be the mom my girls need me to be. They don't need a mom who is tired and constantly frustrated all day long and all evening long. They need a mom who's priority is to love them and take care of them. Period. I am that mom - they have no one else - especially because their daddy isn't here. I have to remember I am not the only one missing him. And even more their daddy misses them. I need to remind myself that at least I GET to be around 3 little pieces of him and where he's at he has no one. No warm body to remind him of his family. So when I am getting frustrated and upset I need to pray and ask God to remind me of the blessings of my situation. I need to not forget what all He has given me already. I look at this blog and I can't believe its been 2 months since I last wrote. Its been 3 months tomorrow since he left and looking back it seems to have gone fast - just don't ask or tell me that when I am having a bad day ;-)
I don't really know what I want to accomplish writing this. I just know that for me today was a bad day. And YES it was because Lily didn't have school. And for some strange reason when that happens Charlee is a different person and they fight and fuss and whine and complain and tattle ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY! It does drive one crazy so YES I appreciate school because that is the format that Lily thrives in and when she's at school getting her groove on Charlee is a sweet independent little angel who does not scream at me and willingly takes naps and is fun to be around. I enjoy my time with her and my day goes so much smoother when my kids get breaks from each other. Its healthy for them its healthy for me. THEY need a change in who they interact with too.
Well I think that's enough rattling of feathers for now. Those of you that know me know my heart and understand what I am going through and I know are praying for me and I appreciate that.
I know it doesn't seem like it at times but I am thankful, blessed, proud, and happy to be a stay-at-home mom even now when I get no breaks and am missing my best friend so much that even as I type this I just want to curl up and cry because I ache for him. I know it doesn't seem like it but I know I'm not perfect and I know I am not entitled to a trial free life. But this last year has been an interesting one for sure. One I am sure I will look back on one day and say "that's when I grew" "that's when I found myself" "that's when I truly appreciated my husband and my family"----nite all....please don't hate me.....for being real.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
I'll take snoring and my bed is too big
Ive been recommended on 2 separate occasions that I should journal during this season of life that we are in. So here we go. I am going to be transparent here which may translate to whining to some people depending on how well you know me or not. This is my heart. Its that simple.
Two things I have come to find since Ryan started in Florida are that I'll take his snoring back any day if it means having him here beside me at night. And that my bed now seems too big. We had been talking about getting a new bed and mattress and upgrading to a king so we could have more room or in other words more space between us - now I'd give anything to just have him in the space next to me. It certainly has made me realize all the things I miss that I never thought I would. Made me realize what I have taken for granted. I just miss him. His presence next to me and with me in our home.
I have said now that I don't like doing life without him. I don't like watching any of our shows now because it just doesn't seem right without him. As I type this I wonder if I left out the first few sentences if someone reading this would think that my spouse had died. Thats kind of what this feels like. I feel like I am grieving a loss when he leaves. I have to go through it with my girls - have to hear them say they miss their daddy. It doesn't make this any easier.
I am not trying to complain but lately I have been wondering if we made the right decision. If my motives for agreeing to letting him go were in vain - selfish because I was thinking of the extra money --which has been nice. But I'd take a paycut now if it meant he could stay here. Its harder than I thought it was going to be. I am praying that we did make the right decision and that God would reveal that to us clearly instead of what I can assume is Satan attacking us making us think we aren't in God's will with this job. I don't know. I would give to know that right now. I would love to have a peace about this season of life we have agreed to put our family thru. 2 days home is not enough. Its enough to make real what I am missing so deeply - and then to take it away again. It hurts to say goodbye. And now that we've done it twice I don't see it getting any easier.
I joke with Ryan that he should stop being so great so it wouldn't be so hard on me to have him gone. Truth is I am spoiled and that's why this is so hard. I truly married my best friend and true partner in life. And when he's not here I do feel like things aren't right and that my life seems to fall apart and I break --I crack under the pressure. We became 1 when we got married and when 1 is divided you get a fraction of a whole - I look at that as that I cant fully function without him by my side. I just miss him. As I type these words I am fighting back tears because its so fresh today - he left this morning. I didn't want to let go. It wasn't enough time.
The alternatives aren't as easy as just us all packing up and heading down there. Too many things here that I still need to function. Family, friends, child friendly living situation. Plus I don't want Lily to miss out on finishing up kindergarten. Plus the current living arrangement in florida would not be enough room for us. Ryan will get a bigger place starting in April. So we'll see how things are then if we should consider taking Lily out of school to go be with daddy. I just don't want to get down there and then miss things here. Its a tough road. I just pray that its the road we are supposed to be taking and that it wont mess our kids up with all the instability. We've had so much change this year with selling our old house living with Ryan's parents bringing home a new baby and now this. This by far is my worst season of life. I'd take all the other ones back over this.
Ok thats enough for now. If you are reading this and you pray please pray for me. I need it each and every day. I need grace with my kids. Patience to get thru this. I just wish I knew for sure how long it was going to be. But its kinda just like life and trials we go through we never know how long God wants us to go through them or how long its going to take for us to learn what he wants us to from it. So I will keep on trusting Him with this --but that doesn't mean its going to be easy or that it doesn't hurt.
Two things I have come to find since Ryan started in Florida are that I'll take his snoring back any day if it means having him here beside me at night. And that my bed now seems too big. We had been talking about getting a new bed and mattress and upgrading to a king so we could have more room or in other words more space between us - now I'd give anything to just have him in the space next to me. It certainly has made me realize all the things I miss that I never thought I would. Made me realize what I have taken for granted. I just miss him. His presence next to me and with me in our home.
I have said now that I don't like doing life without him. I don't like watching any of our shows now because it just doesn't seem right without him. As I type this I wonder if I left out the first few sentences if someone reading this would think that my spouse had died. Thats kind of what this feels like. I feel like I am grieving a loss when he leaves. I have to go through it with my girls - have to hear them say they miss their daddy. It doesn't make this any easier.
I am not trying to complain but lately I have been wondering if we made the right decision. If my motives for agreeing to letting him go were in vain - selfish because I was thinking of the extra money --which has been nice. But I'd take a paycut now if it meant he could stay here. Its harder than I thought it was going to be. I am praying that we did make the right decision and that God would reveal that to us clearly instead of what I can assume is Satan attacking us making us think we aren't in God's will with this job. I don't know. I would give to know that right now. I would love to have a peace about this season of life we have agreed to put our family thru. 2 days home is not enough. Its enough to make real what I am missing so deeply - and then to take it away again. It hurts to say goodbye. And now that we've done it twice I don't see it getting any easier.
I joke with Ryan that he should stop being so great so it wouldn't be so hard on me to have him gone. Truth is I am spoiled and that's why this is so hard. I truly married my best friend and true partner in life. And when he's not here I do feel like things aren't right and that my life seems to fall apart and I break --I crack under the pressure. We became 1 when we got married and when 1 is divided you get a fraction of a whole - I look at that as that I cant fully function without him by my side. I just miss him. As I type these words I am fighting back tears because its so fresh today - he left this morning. I didn't want to let go. It wasn't enough time.
The alternatives aren't as easy as just us all packing up and heading down there. Too many things here that I still need to function. Family, friends, child friendly living situation. Plus I don't want Lily to miss out on finishing up kindergarten. Plus the current living arrangement in florida would not be enough room for us. Ryan will get a bigger place starting in April. So we'll see how things are then if we should consider taking Lily out of school to go be with daddy. I just don't want to get down there and then miss things here. Its a tough road. I just pray that its the road we are supposed to be taking and that it wont mess our kids up with all the instability. We've had so much change this year with selling our old house living with Ryan's parents bringing home a new baby and now this. This by far is my worst season of life. I'd take all the other ones back over this.
Ok thats enough for now. If you are reading this and you pray please pray for me. I need it each and every day. I need grace with my kids. Patience to get thru this. I just wish I knew for sure how long it was going to be. But its kinda just like life and trials we go through we never know how long God wants us to go through them or how long its going to take for us to learn what he wants us to from it. So I will keep on trusting Him with this --but that doesn't mean its going to be easy or that it doesn't hurt.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Preparing for my biggest challenge as a Mommy
A couple weeks ago we found out that Ryan would need to take a job in Florida for 7-9 Months. It was presented as a decision we got to make but really we feel like we have no choice right now. The market in Kansas City is down and there are no jobs for Ryan to go to as a Superintendent. But there is one in Fort Walton Beach, Florida. A hospital on the base there. After considering the options we really felt this would be the best thing for him right now. Because who knows if down the road they would be forcing him to take a position in a worse place or for longer than 7 months. The incentives are that he gets a company truck and a decent per diem allowance to cover all his expenses.
Our plan right now is for Ryan to go to Florida by himself until Lily finishes school then we would join him for the Summer for 2 months and hopefully the project will be done by then. We also plan to spend Lily's Spring Break there. We hope to drive with the help of my parents so that Ryan doesn't have to fly home to drive us down then drive us back and fly back. I really don't feel like flying with 2 Kids and an Infant by myself either. Ryan is supposed to be able to fly home every 2 weekends as well with a weekend including Fridays and flying home Sunday afternoon/evenings. Hopefully that will work out because 2 weeks without seeing him is going to be hard enough. Looking at the calendar we've figured he can be home for all the important dates like Valentines, Our Anniversary, Lily's Birthday, and Charlee's Birthday. Then we'd spend my birthday with him during Spring Break.
This presents a challenge for me to trust God in giving me the patience I need to survive without Ryan. I've always said I am not one of those mom's who can do it all without the help of her husband. Not one of those mom's who could handle her husband being away for long periods at a time. I guess now I will get to test that fear and will need to rely on God and family and friends to help me through what I believe will be my hardest season of life yet. I spend my days looking forward to when Ryan gets home from work and I get to have a little break and help around the house. Now I am going to have to wait 2 weeks for that. I am going to be without my best friend each night to watch TV with. What am I going to do after I put the girls to bed? Normally we get a snack and settle in and watch our recorded shows. Something we both look forward to doing. I will miss that. But that may turn into my time to get stuff done around the house that won't get done otherwise during the day. Probably best to keep myself busy so I don't sit and dwell on how alone I am going to feel.
This week since we got confirmation that he will be leaving January 6th - I am realizing all the wonderful things he does to help me around the house and in taking care of my girls. I think bedtime is going to be the hardest for me. He's so good at getting them to get ready for bed and reading a story to them while I feed Rylee and get her ready for bed. Its going to make our night time routine take longer for sure. I just pray for patience during these times that I don't lose my temper with them as I know I can so easily.
I am just amazed at the timing of all of this. After spending 6 months at Ryan's parents, pregnant, waiting for our house to be built - this after a 2 year process of getting our old house sold, and finally moving in and having less than 3 weeks to get settled before Rylee's birth. Spending a week total in the hospital for high blood pressure and recovery. We finally start to feel settled about 2 weeks ago when we got to pull Ryan's truck in the garage. Life was finally feeling like we would start to just live our lives and just be a normal family.....then we get this news. Really?? Now??? Why God? I just don't get it. But I don't think I am supposed to right now. I know this will be a good thing for Ryan and his career. This could potentially be a very good thing for us financially when its all done. I am trusting God that his perfect plan and timing is all over this one. I pray it goes FAST! Especially these next 2 months of winter. I pray that snow isn't bad as I will have to figure a way to get my driveway shoveled if it snows a lot. Lots of things are coming to mind that Ryan did for me that I won't have done once he's gone. Little things like replacing my windshield wiper blades, putting air in my tires, mowing the grass, shoveling the driveway, lifting heavy boxes, putting the trash out, checking the house out when I hear a funny noise, getting up when we hear one of the girls get out of bed at night, and mostly just being my companion and TV buddy at night. I realized the other night even though we were laying there without talking just watching TV that I would miss him so much during our TV shows. Just him being beside me is comforting. I hope I am not making anyone uncomfortable but I am just sharing my heart that its going to feel very lonely for me at night. I just hope I don't go crazy and have emotional break downs each night. I pray I am able to sleep without him beside me.
The most we've ever been apart was a week at time and that was when we were dating and we were at different schools. And even then it wasn't a full week it was just Monday through Friday that we didn't see each other because we both came home on the weekends. And then we didn't have 3 kids. And lets not even get started on how much they are going to miss their daddy. Last night Lily asked him if he was going to come home from work today or if he was going to be in Florida. I know that had to break his heart as it will mine when I know the girls are going to ache from missing their daddy. They have a pretty amazing, sweet, compassionate daddy who loves them very much and will miss interacting with them and loving on them. This will be hard on him too. We hope to be able to face-time or Skype daily so they can talk to him. I just hope its enough to get us through the 2 weeks without him. Its going to have to be.
Some people may think this is no big deal but when you are a stay-at-home mom its even harder. My sane time was when Ryan was home with us - especially on the weekends when I felt I got a little time to myself and I get a break from some of the responsibility. Ryan enjoys spending time with and taking care of our girls and for that I am very grateful. I know not many dads out there are like that and that's why its a big deal to me because I will feel a difference when he's gone. No more sleeping in for me on Saturdays while he's up with the girls. Sunday mornings will seem more rushed because he wont be here to get them ready and take them to church with him when he goes early for Worship Team. Getting anywhere is going to take twice as long. I already feel like I am late to everything and its only going to get worse. I don't want to complain I am just realizing how much I need and rely on him each and every single day and its going to take strength from God to get me through each day. I will have a new respect for single moms after this experience for sure and mom's of military husbands. Mom's with husbands who travel for work all the time. I commend them and will be in prayer for them as well during this time and hopefully something will continue to pray about after this is all over.
Its only for a short season and could be a lot worse. But it doesn't mean it isn't going to be tough to go thru. Thanks for reading and thanks for praying for me- those of you that know me.
Our plan right now is for Ryan to go to Florida by himself until Lily finishes school then we would join him for the Summer for 2 months and hopefully the project will be done by then. We also plan to spend Lily's Spring Break there. We hope to drive with the help of my parents so that Ryan doesn't have to fly home to drive us down then drive us back and fly back. I really don't feel like flying with 2 Kids and an Infant by myself either. Ryan is supposed to be able to fly home every 2 weekends as well with a weekend including Fridays and flying home Sunday afternoon/evenings. Hopefully that will work out because 2 weeks without seeing him is going to be hard enough. Looking at the calendar we've figured he can be home for all the important dates like Valentines, Our Anniversary, Lily's Birthday, and Charlee's Birthday. Then we'd spend my birthday with him during Spring Break.
This presents a challenge for me to trust God in giving me the patience I need to survive without Ryan. I've always said I am not one of those mom's who can do it all without the help of her husband. Not one of those mom's who could handle her husband being away for long periods at a time. I guess now I will get to test that fear and will need to rely on God and family and friends to help me through what I believe will be my hardest season of life yet. I spend my days looking forward to when Ryan gets home from work and I get to have a little break and help around the house. Now I am going to have to wait 2 weeks for that. I am going to be without my best friend each night to watch TV with. What am I going to do after I put the girls to bed? Normally we get a snack and settle in and watch our recorded shows. Something we both look forward to doing. I will miss that. But that may turn into my time to get stuff done around the house that won't get done otherwise during the day. Probably best to keep myself busy so I don't sit and dwell on how alone I am going to feel.
This week since we got confirmation that he will be leaving January 6th - I am realizing all the wonderful things he does to help me around the house and in taking care of my girls. I think bedtime is going to be the hardest for me. He's so good at getting them to get ready for bed and reading a story to them while I feed Rylee and get her ready for bed. Its going to make our night time routine take longer for sure. I just pray for patience during these times that I don't lose my temper with them as I know I can so easily.
I am just amazed at the timing of all of this. After spending 6 months at Ryan's parents, pregnant, waiting for our house to be built - this after a 2 year process of getting our old house sold, and finally moving in and having less than 3 weeks to get settled before Rylee's birth. Spending a week total in the hospital for high blood pressure and recovery. We finally start to feel settled about 2 weeks ago when we got to pull Ryan's truck in the garage. Life was finally feeling like we would start to just live our lives and just be a normal family.....then we get this news. Really?? Now??? Why God? I just don't get it. But I don't think I am supposed to right now. I know this will be a good thing for Ryan and his career. This could potentially be a very good thing for us financially when its all done. I am trusting God that his perfect plan and timing is all over this one. I pray it goes FAST! Especially these next 2 months of winter. I pray that snow isn't bad as I will have to figure a way to get my driveway shoveled if it snows a lot. Lots of things are coming to mind that Ryan did for me that I won't have done once he's gone. Little things like replacing my windshield wiper blades, putting air in my tires, mowing the grass, shoveling the driveway, lifting heavy boxes, putting the trash out, checking the house out when I hear a funny noise, getting up when we hear one of the girls get out of bed at night, and mostly just being my companion and TV buddy at night. I realized the other night even though we were laying there without talking just watching TV that I would miss him so much during our TV shows. Just him being beside me is comforting. I hope I am not making anyone uncomfortable but I am just sharing my heart that its going to feel very lonely for me at night. I just hope I don't go crazy and have emotional break downs each night. I pray I am able to sleep without him beside me.
The most we've ever been apart was a week at time and that was when we were dating and we were at different schools. And even then it wasn't a full week it was just Monday through Friday that we didn't see each other because we both came home on the weekends. And then we didn't have 3 kids. And lets not even get started on how much they are going to miss their daddy. Last night Lily asked him if he was going to come home from work today or if he was going to be in Florida. I know that had to break his heart as it will mine when I know the girls are going to ache from missing their daddy. They have a pretty amazing, sweet, compassionate daddy who loves them very much and will miss interacting with them and loving on them. This will be hard on him too. We hope to be able to face-time or Skype daily so they can talk to him. I just hope its enough to get us through the 2 weeks without him. Its going to have to be.
Some people may think this is no big deal but when you are a stay-at-home mom its even harder. My sane time was when Ryan was home with us - especially on the weekends when I felt I got a little time to myself and I get a break from some of the responsibility. Ryan enjoys spending time with and taking care of our girls and for that I am very grateful. I know not many dads out there are like that and that's why its a big deal to me because I will feel a difference when he's gone. No more sleeping in for me on Saturdays while he's up with the girls. Sunday mornings will seem more rushed because he wont be here to get them ready and take them to church with him when he goes early for Worship Team. Getting anywhere is going to take twice as long. I already feel like I am late to everything and its only going to get worse. I don't want to complain I am just realizing how much I need and rely on him each and every single day and its going to take strength from God to get me through each day. I will have a new respect for single moms after this experience for sure and mom's of military husbands. Mom's with husbands who travel for work all the time. I commend them and will be in prayer for them as well during this time and hopefully something will continue to pray about after this is all over.
Its only for a short season and could be a lot worse. But it doesn't mean it isn't going to be tough to go thru. Thanks for reading and thanks for praying for me- those of you that know me.
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