Not sure how to feel but I can do this

We are now a week from when we leave well a week from tomorrow morning.  We plan to leave Friday August 1st and are considering pulling an all nighter just so we can get home - I know we are crazy right??!!  But something about getting home fast and having more time home together and not having to book a last minute hotel is appealing to me.  That means more time to unpack before Ryan leaves again.  There it is I've said it.  I hate those words and now I fear it's going to happen more times than I thought.  There is now a good chance that he won't be back for good til the end of September - sigh so that means 2 months without him.  Preparing for Rylee's first birthday party without him - or I could wait and do it all when he returns but I am cursed with the horrible insane idiosyncrasy of loving to plan way ahead for things so nothing is left for last minute - which is why I spent about 2 months packing for our 2.5 month summer in Florida.  And yes I did overpack.  Clothes.  Always clothes.

So I am struggling to fight emotions that conflict when I think about being home.  I miss my home in Kansas.  I miss a lot of things about the house itself that makes me excited to be back.  But then I think it still won't be home.  It still won't feel right or complete until this whole ordeal is over and we can finally call our new house our home and start making it that way.

It's been a long 3 years journey to get to this place.  In the fall of 2011 we started getting rid of things and fixing up our old house to sell.  Started a mindset that included being mindful of keeping the house in order.  We listed it for sale by owner in March 2012 and attempted to sell it ourself for almost 11 months.  Constantly being ready for showings that never happened and open houses that went no where.  Then that summer we learned of the possibility of moving to North Dakota for 18 months for a job project there with JE Dunn - we agreed and for the moment put a few things on hold including aggressively selling the house.  The job promised a promotion which they gave him before anything happened.   So MONTHS went by and nothing about the job no info so we started to operate of the mindset that we aren't going and weren't going to wait and ruin our future plans to grow our family and build a new house.  So trusting God, we took a step of faith and listed with an agent that happened to call asking about our expired lot reservation for our new house- we didn't know it had.  After talking to him we eventually listed our home with him.  So neat to look back on how Gods hand was in that whole ordeal.  He was meant to call then because we were ready to hear his sales pitch for his services.  So glad we did.

We were on the market officially the end of January 2013 and within 3 days had a couple showings and an offer that we eventually took.  During this time we also got word that we would not be moving to North Dakota - thankful for our step of faith that paid off!!  Looking back I feel it was a test to see if Ryan would be willing and that's what helped his promotion.  

 Thirty some days into the closing process after inspections we get devastating news that our buyer lost their financing.  This news came 1 day after we found out we were pregnant with Rylee and days after we signed a contract with the builder that included a big earnest deposit.  Flooded with emotions we prayed and trusted God that the best thing to do was to get the buyer to cancel and go back on the market instead of waiting for them to get new financing.  After about 2 weeks of seriously crazy showing after showing we ended up with a bidding war and came out better and only 2 weeks past our original timeline for closing the original deal.  We had a cash buyer that wanted us out in 2 weeks!!  We were thrilled!  This was April 2013 - we then moved in with Ryan's parents for the summer.   Built our house and closed 9/30 and moved in the beginning of October - 3 weeks before Rylee's arrival.  It was crazy!  Then she ended up coming almost a week earlier than planned as I spent 3 days in the hospital before she was born being monitored for high blood pressures.

After only about a month together in our new home we get news of Ryan needing to take this position in Florida.  Holy post partum emotional breakdown.  We prayed about it but for some reason I knew right away that this is what we should do.  That this is what Ryan needed to do.  So for the next month and a half we soaked up as much family time as possible and I had Ryan do a bunch of quick house things for me.  Then the dreaded day approached January 5, 2014 - Ryan leaves with a truck full of his things with his dad for Fort Walton Beach Florida to take a job at the Eglin Air Force base working on the hospital.  7-9 months they said originally but then paperwork said 10 months.  I can do this.  I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me.

Don't let me fool you and if you've read any other of my posts you know how I put myself out there.  No sugar coating here.  Just me...it was tough.  Awful.  Painful.  Lonely.  Frustrating.  Depressing.

A 2 month old nursing baby a 3 year old and a 5 year old.  After about a month and a half I had to move Lily to all day kindergarten - which she loved and thrived at - so thankful.  I needed a break.  No time.  So much to do. And I a lot of the times just didn't want to do it.  But then nobody would if I didn't. 

So after almost 5 months of only every other weekend we got to come and join him the end of May.  So with us leaving next week that put us here almost 2.5 months.  Another displaced summer.  My girls and really all of us are ready for a normal life.  Whatever that is.   I know now that I don't think I could have done this if it weren't for family and friends help - especially my inlaws who gave up their "other" weekends to house my kids the weekends Ryan wasn't home.

So this is what I dread.  These thoughts and remembering how hard it was without my best friend.  Nights after putting the girls to bed is our time together.  It means catching up on tv shows watching a movie or simply me reading and him playing games on his phone with the tv on.  Just being in the same room - next to each other.  Don't even have to talk.  Just his presence.  That's what I need.  That's what I missed.  As well as the help around the house.  A new house that really I was still learning how best to care for while recovering from a c-section and feeding a baby every 2-3 hours.  Please don't read this as a complaint but simply stating how it was.  I love feeding Rylee - nursing is something I looked forward to and honestly I never felt like I could truly enjoy my time with her because it was constantly interrupted or cut short because I just had to put her down to tend to the other 2.  When I think about it now it makes me so sad that my special time with her seems like a flash now and simply a chore I did and then had to put her down.  I missed some special time with her.  Trying not to let that depress me anymore than it already has.  Truly I believe this journey wouldn't have been so hard if I had 3 older kids and no newborn.  But God's timing is perfect.   I look forward to some sweet time I will get with her while Lily and Charlee are at school this fall.  One kid.  Not sure what I am going to do with myself!  I hope immediately it will be some splash time at our new neighborhood pool in the mornings.  Or walks in the neighborhood before she takes a nap.  I want to make up for loss time with her.  This excites me about going home.

I am also hoping to take better advantage of nap time and bedtime and get some projects done around the house including curtains for our bed room and some side light curtains for our front door.  I also hope to get things ready for a fall garage sale - which now may have to wait til October.  After living 2 summers now on minimal things from our home I am so ready to de-clutter and reorganize.  

I am hoping to plant some bulbs for spring and get some mums for my front walkway.  I love fall and I love decorating for fall.  Trying to find the positive things in being home even if it is without Ryan.

Holy blog post.  I can do this.  I can do all things.

Bittersweet End

As I get depressed thinking about how our summer in Florida is now less than a month til it's over I am trying to focus on what I am looking forward to and what I miss about home in Kansas.  Trying not to think about going back into my worst fear zone with out my partner in life and best friend for another month or 2 possibly.  So here's a totally random list that I may continue to add to the rest of this month as we near the end of our Florida summer.  Again no particular order so don't get depressed if you aren't number one or judge me if something is above another.  It's random.  And don't read this that I am complaining about our life here because it's been perfect for our family and I am grateful for this home.

1. Leaving means it's closer to the whole thing being over

2. Rylee getting to play with toys her big sisters played with

3. My French door bottom freezer fridge

4. Morning coffee with my bestie

5. Getting to play in my new yard -ideas of planting and landscaping

6. My bed - my bed - with my fan

7. My big beautiful bathtub and shower with a seat!!!

8. A garage

9. Getting to use our new neighborhood pool!

10. Hanging out with our neighbors again and meeting new ones

11. Getting started on my new Mutu workout program to get my tummy back (don't have right equipment here.)

12. My kitchen- my beautiful kitchen

13. Getting to see my Charlee start preschool!

14.  Enjoying more one on one time with Rylee once school starts

15. Preparing for a garage sale (need to purge!)

16. Full access to all my shoes and clothes 

17. Our DVR - I hate live tv

18. The game show network - missing me some family feud!

19. My girls miss their cousins and grandparents

20. Eventually having a normal life in our new home that's almost a year old.

21. Getting back to my Avon business

22. Sunday lunch with my family

23. Walks thru our neighborhood looking at the new houses - our beautiful walking trail too!

24. My deep freeze.  I miss stocking up on things.

25.  Aldi - oh how I miss my simple grocery store!

26. Target being closer!  (Maybe this was a blessing in disguise?)

27. My efficient dryer!  No more starting it again!

28. My big pantry - again I like to stock up so I don't shop as often!

29. Maverick - yes I miss our dog!

30. Girls miss their scooters

31. Shorter church commute - seeing my church friends and having people to talk to

32. Working on hanging my canvas prints of my girls and other home decor.

33. My coffee mugs - the ones with pics

34. Quiet dishwasher

35. Thick insulated bedroom walls that keep Rylee asleep longer and the other 2!

36. Dark window treatments that block the light! ( I like it dark ok?!)

37. Girls having separate beds.  

38. Pull down shower head in the girls bathroom

39. Our comfy couch!

40. My printer!

Ok that's it for now - I want to read before the girls wake from their nap!

My Journey to heal my Diastasis Recti

So I have decided to not just accept the way my body looks after having a baby.  Oh great...you say...she's not happy with the body God has given her?  She needs to be thankful she had 3 beautiful girls and accept that the body afterwards is just part of it.   While I agree with that (the being thankful for having 3 kids and I am thankful for the body God gave me) I don't think I should just sit back and do nothing to try and get my body back into shape and I shouldn't just listen to what everyone thinks about me - when I am not comfortable in my own skin - and there's a good reason now!
Today I am sharing with you that I am glad that I started to research how to get rid of my mommy tummy.  Because like most women and moms out there I have the tendency to compare myself to other moms who have had kids - and their tummys have gone right back even to the point of being comfortable in a bikini - I look at my forever 4 month pregnant-looking tummy and think no way - no how!!  So after researching on pinterest and google - I have come to find that I actually have a condition that a lot of moms have after giving birth to multiple children in a short amount of time.  
I have diastasis recti - which is "A diastasis recti is a separation of your outer most abdominal muscles. The job of these muscles (called rectus abdominis), is to support your back and your organs." -definition and photo courtesy of this website

How do you know if you have a diastasis?

If you have a protruding (pregnant looking) belly OR your belly button is an outie OR you have a half football (alien like) bulge when you lift your shoulders off the ground, you most definitely have a diastasis! An umbilical hernia is a side effect of a diastasis recti.

So you are probably thinking ok - so what.  The more I read and watch online videos of exercises to correct and repair this issue I realize it can have some long term major issues down the road like back pain and hernia as well as digestive issues.  So its not just about getting rid of the forever mommy tummy its about getting my alignment and my core abdominal muscles working properly again so something else major doesn't happen.  Given my history during pregnancy and delivery - ask me sometime if you don't know what I am talking about - I feel this is important for me to correct for multiple reasons!
The website above has a test that you can do to see whether you have this issue.  I did the test and I have a pretty severe case of this.  I have a lot of repairing to do.  
So after lots of late nights not being able to sleep I have been researching different ways to repair this.  I found a 10 minute workout video that I will start doing each night before bed. As well as wearing a medical rehab splint as recommended.  I will be taking before, during, &  after pics which I most likely won't post til I see some progress.  My goal is to repair this before the end of the summer - before the girls and myself have to go back home without my husband.  Because I know I most likely won't get time to do this much after then.  I am encouraged by testimonies on other websites for women who claimed they had a severe case as well after multiple children - and doing the recommended core strengthening exercises (not crunches - no sit-ups they make it worse!!) - they have repaired their connective tissue and closed the gap that caused their tummy bulge!!!
I am very motivated by these success stories and I pray that I can be consistent as I do not want to have any issues down the road that would prevent me from taking care of my kids due to back pain or worse a hernia!
So if you think you might have this issue its not too late to repair the tissue between your abs to flatten your tummy.  Join me in this and do the research and test for yourself.  I will also be contacting my doctor to make sure that I am officially diagnosed with this issue but its very clear based on the test that I have it.  Stay tuned for updates as I go through this journey!

I know it doesn't seem like it but....

I do support and am proud of my husband and what he's doing for our family.  I may complain and vent from time to time, but deep down I know that all of this is going to have a wonderful pay out in the end.  Currently the immediate is the extra money coming in that is helping us save a bigger emergency fund and build up savings for finishing our basement one day.  So for that I am grateful.  I am thankful my husband has a good job and that I am blessed to stay home with my kids.  This is something we decided before we even got married that I would stay home with our kids.  So right away we started to adjust our finances and plan to live on one income and to save most of mine.  We used most of mine to aggressively pay off our cars in a decent time way before their term was due (I hate car payments).
I don't want my feeling free to vent to offend anyone or to make anyone think that I am not grateful for anything that I have in my life.  I just know that any other stay at home mom out there who has to go without her husband and partner in life for a long period of time or even short periods - is going to have some issues and get frustrated.  Is going to have melt downs- is going to get sick of her kids.  Especially if they are young and still around all day long - especially if they fight a lot when they are home.
I love being home with my kids.  I chose to do this.  I chose to give up my career (job) and I chose to be home with my kids.  So I guess you could say I should just suck it up and enjoy every minute right?  Because I DO know that there are those out there who would love to be home with their kids.  Every situation is different and I would appreciate it if you don't judge me based on your situation.  ANYONE when thrown into a single parent situation that has nothing but 5year olds and younger to talk to during the day and evening - to interact with - is going to get over whelmed.  I could turn to you and say - well at least you get to be out of the house - at least you get adult interaction.  I could have adult interaction if I wanted to work outside the home.  But again I chose to be home with my children.  To each their own.  Everyone's situation is different not one situation should seem easier than another's because we don't all know what each other go through-- we aren't there.
I am not going to say that if you work and also have to be alone with your kids once you get home that it isn't just as hard?  I know it is.  Its lonely and I will say it again - I do have a new found respect and compassion for single moms and moms with military spouses.  I mean at least I get to talk to my husband.  Some wives don't even get to communicate with them.  And for THAT I am grateful.  For that I am blessed.  I don't want to get into a debate with anyone.  Maybe I should chose a different way to let out my feelings than to put it out there on the internet.  I guess I just thought maybe if I got a little sympathy I would feel better?  But what I really should be doing is venting to the ONE who truly cares for me unconditionally and I know for a fact has missed me this week - maybe that's why its been so hard lately?  I have neglected my time with God.  Its probably because ANY time I get alone to myself I chose to shower or unload the dishwasher or catch up on bills and receipts or folding laundry...I should be spending that time praying to God to give me strength throughout my day and to give me patience with my kids - and to allow for quiet alone time in my day where I can renew myself - where I can gather my thoughts and get my sanity back so I can be the mom my girls need me to be.  They don't need a mom who is tired and constantly frustrated all day long and all evening long.  They need a mom who's priority is to love them and take care of them. Period.  I am that mom - they have no one else - especially because their daddy isn't here.  I have to remember I am not the only one missing him.  And even more their daddy misses them.  I need to remind myself that at least I GET to be around 3 little pieces of him and where he's at he has no one.  No warm body to remind him of his family.  So when I am getting frustrated and upset I need to pray and ask God to remind me of the blessings of my situation.  I need to not forget what all He has given me already.  I look at this blog and I can't believe its been 2 months since I last wrote.  Its been 3 months tomorrow since he left and looking back it seems to have gone fast - just don't ask or tell me that when I am having a bad day ;-)
I don't really know what I want to accomplish writing this.  I just know that for me today was a bad day.  And YES it was because Lily didn't have school.  And for some strange reason when that happens Charlee is a different person and they fight and fuss and whine and complain and tattle ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY!  It does drive one crazy so YES I appreciate school because that is the format that Lily thrives in and when she's at school getting her groove on Charlee is a sweet independent little angel who does not scream at me and willingly takes naps and is fun to be around.  I enjoy my time with her and my day goes so much smoother when my kids get breaks from each other.  Its healthy for them its healthy for me.  THEY need a change in who they interact with too.
Well I think that's enough rattling of feathers for now.  Those of you that know me know my heart and understand what I am going through and I know are praying for me and I appreciate that.
I know it doesn't seem like it at times but I am thankful, blessed, proud, and happy to be a stay-at-home mom even now when I get no breaks and am missing my best friend so much that even as I type this I just want to curl up and cry because I ache for him.  I know it doesn't seem like it but I know I'm not perfect and I know I am not entitled to a trial free life.  But this last year has been an interesting one for sure.  One I am sure I will look back on one day and say "that's when I grew" "that's when I found myself" "that's when I truly appreciated my husband and my family"----nite all....please don't hate me.....for being real.

I'll take snoring and my bed is too big

Ive been recommended on 2 separate occasions that I should journal during this season of life that we are in.  So here we go.  I am going to be transparent here which may translate to whining to some people depending on how well you know me or not.  This is my heart.   Its that simple.
Two things I have come to find since Ryan started in Florida are that I'll take his snoring back any day if it means having him here beside me at night.  And that my bed now seems too big.  We had been talking about getting a new bed and mattress and upgrading to a king so we could have more room or in other words more space between us - now I'd give anything to just have him in the space next to me.  It certainly has made me realize all the things I miss that I never thought I would.  Made me realize what I have taken for granted.  I just miss him.  His presence next to me and with me in our home.
I have said now that I don't like doing life without him.  I don't like watching any of our shows now because it just doesn't seem right without him.  As I type this I wonder if I left out the first few sentences if someone reading this would think that my spouse had died.  Thats kind of what this feels like.  I feel like I am grieving a loss when he leaves.  I have to go through it with my girls - have to hear them say they miss their daddy.  It doesn't make this any easier.
I am not trying to complain but lately I have been wondering if we made the right decision.  If my motives for agreeing to letting him go were in vain - selfish because I was thinking of the extra money --which has been nice.  But I'd take a paycut now if it meant he could stay here.  Its harder than I thought it was going to be.  I am praying that we did make the right decision and that God would reveal that to us clearly instead of what I can assume is Satan attacking us making us think we aren't in God's will with this job.  I don't know.  I would give to know that right now.  I would love to have a peace about this season of life we have agreed to put our family thru.  2 days home is not enough.  Its enough to make real what I am missing so deeply - and then to take it away again.  It hurts to say goodbye.  And now that we've done it twice I don't see it getting any easier.
I joke with Ryan that he should stop being so great so it wouldn't be so hard on me to have him gone.  Truth is I am spoiled and that's why this is so hard.  I truly married my best friend and true partner in life.  And when he's not here I do feel like things aren't right and that my life seems to fall apart and I break --I crack under the pressure.  We became 1 when we got married and when 1 is divided you get a fraction of a whole - I look at that as that I cant fully function without him by my side.  I just miss him.  As I type these words I am fighting back tears because its so fresh today - he left this morning.  I didn't want to let go.  It wasn't enough time.
The alternatives aren't as easy as just us all packing up and heading down there.  Too many things here that I still need to function.  Family, friends, child friendly living situation.  Plus I don't want Lily to miss out on finishing up kindergarten.   Plus the current living arrangement in florida would not be enough room for us.  Ryan will get a bigger place starting in April.  So we'll see how things are then if we should consider taking Lily out of school to go be with daddy.  I just don't want to get down there and then miss things here.  Its a tough road.  I just pray that its the road we are supposed to be taking and that it wont mess our kids up with all the instability.  We've had so much change this year with selling our old house living with Ryan's parents bringing home a new baby and now this.  This by far is my worst season of life.  I'd take all the other ones back over this.
Ok thats enough for now.  If you are reading this and you pray please pray for me.  I need it each and every day.  I need grace with my kids.  Patience to get thru this.  I just wish I knew for sure how long it was going to be.  But its kinda just like life and trials we go through we never know how long God wants us to go through them or how long its going to take for us to learn what he wants us to from it. So I will keep on trusting Him with this --but that doesn't mean its going to be easy or that it doesn't hurt.