So I am struggling to fight emotions that conflict when I think about being home. I miss my home in Kansas. I miss a lot of things about the house itself that makes me excited to be back. But then I think it still won't be home. It still won't feel right or complete until this whole ordeal is over and we can finally call our new house our home and start making it that way.
It's been a long 3 years journey to get to this place. In the fall of 2011 we started getting rid of things and fixing up our old house to sell. Started a mindset that included being mindful of keeping the house in order. We listed it for sale by owner in March 2012 and attempted to sell it ourself for almost 11 months. Constantly being ready for showings that never happened and open houses that went no where. Then that summer we learned of the possibility of moving to North Dakota for 18 months for a job project there with JE Dunn - we agreed and for the moment put a few things on hold including aggressively selling the house. The job promised a promotion which they gave him before anything happened. So MONTHS went by and nothing about the job no info so we started to operate of the mindset that we aren't going and weren't going to wait and ruin our future plans to grow our family and build a new house. So trusting God, we took a step of faith and listed with an agent that happened to call asking about our expired lot reservation for our new house- we didn't know it had. After talking to him we eventually listed our home with him. So neat to look back on how Gods hand was in that whole ordeal. He was meant to call then because we were ready to hear his sales pitch for his services. So glad we did.
We were on the market officially the end of January 2013 and within 3 days had a couple showings and an offer that we eventually took. During this time we also got word that we would not be moving to North Dakota - thankful for our step of faith that paid off!! Looking back I feel it was a test to see if Ryan would be willing and that's what helped his promotion.
Thirty some days into the closing process after inspections we get devastating news that our buyer lost their financing. This news came 1 day after we found out we were pregnant with Rylee and days after we signed a contract with the builder that included a big earnest deposit. Flooded with emotions we prayed and trusted God that the best thing to do was to get the buyer to cancel and go back on the market instead of waiting for them to get new financing. After about 2 weeks of seriously crazy showing after showing we ended up with a bidding war and came out better and only 2 weeks past our original timeline for closing the original deal. We had a cash buyer that wanted us out in 2 weeks!! We were thrilled! This was April 2013 - we then moved in with Ryan's parents for the summer. Built our house and closed 9/30 and moved in the beginning of October - 3 weeks before Rylee's arrival. It was crazy! Then she ended up coming almost a week earlier than planned as I spent 3 days in the hospital before she was born being monitored for high blood pressures.
After only about a month together in our new home we get news of Ryan needing to take this position in Florida. Holy post partum emotional breakdown. We prayed about it but for some reason I knew right away that this is what we should do. That this is what Ryan needed to do. So for the next month and a half we soaked up as much family time as possible and I had Ryan do a bunch of quick house things for me. Then the dreaded day approached January 5, 2014 - Ryan leaves with a truck full of his things with his dad for Fort Walton Beach Florida to take a job at the Eglin Air Force base working on the hospital. 7-9 months they said originally but then paperwork said 10 months. I can do this. I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me.
Don't let me fool you and if you've read any other of my posts you know how I put myself out there. No sugar coating here. Just me...it was tough. Awful. Painful. Lonely. Frustrating. Depressing.
A 2 month old nursing baby a 3 year old and a 5 year old. After about a month and a half I had to move Lily to all day kindergarten - which she loved and thrived at - so thankful. I needed a break. No time. So much to do. And I a lot of the times just didn't want to do it. But then nobody would if I didn't.
So after almost 5 months of only every other weekend we got to come and join him the end of May. So with us leaving next week that put us here almost 2.5 months. Another displaced summer. My girls and really all of us are ready for a normal life. Whatever that is. I know now that I don't think I could have done this if it weren't for family and friends help - especially my inlaws who gave up their "other" weekends to house my kids the weekends Ryan wasn't home.
So this is what I dread. These thoughts and remembering how hard it was without my best friend. Nights after putting the girls to bed is our time together. It means catching up on tv shows watching a movie or simply me reading and him playing games on his phone with the tv on. Just being in the same room - next to each other. Don't even have to talk. Just his presence. That's what I need. That's what I missed. As well as the help around the house. A new house that really I was still learning how best to care for while recovering from a c-section and feeding a baby every 2-3 hours. Please don't read this as a complaint but simply stating how it was. I love feeding Rylee - nursing is something I looked forward to and honestly I never felt like I could truly enjoy my time with her because it was constantly interrupted or cut short because I just had to put her down to tend to the other 2. When I think about it now it makes me so sad that my special time with her seems like a flash now and simply a chore I did and then had to put her down. I missed some special time with her. Trying not to let that depress me anymore than it already has. Truly I believe this journey wouldn't have been so hard if I had 3 older kids and no newborn. But God's timing is perfect. I look forward to some sweet time I will get with her while Lily and Charlee are at school this fall. One kid. Not sure what I am going to do with myself! I hope immediately it will be some splash time at our new neighborhood pool in the mornings. Or walks in the neighborhood before she takes a nap. I want to make up for loss time with her. This excites me about going home.
I am also hoping to take better advantage of nap time and bedtime and get some projects done around the house including curtains for our bed room and some side light curtains for our front door. I also hope to get things ready for a fall garage sale - which now may have to wait til October. After living 2 summers now on minimal things from our home I am so ready to de-clutter and reorganize.
I am hoping to plant some bulbs for spring and get some mums for my front walkway. I love fall and I love decorating for fall. Trying to find the positive things in being home even if it is without Ryan.
Holy blog post. I can do this. I can do all things.
