I know it doesn't seem like it but....

I do support and am proud of my husband and what he's doing for our family.  I may complain and vent from time to time, but deep down I know that all of this is going to have a wonderful pay out in the end.  Currently the immediate is the extra money coming in that is helping us save a bigger emergency fund and build up savings for finishing our basement one day.  So for that I am grateful.  I am thankful my husband has a good job and that I am blessed to stay home with my kids.  This is something we decided before we even got married that I would stay home with our kids.  So right away we started to adjust our finances and plan to live on one income and to save most of mine.  We used most of mine to aggressively pay off our cars in a decent time way before their term was due (I hate car payments).
I don't want my feeling free to vent to offend anyone or to make anyone think that I am not grateful for anything that I have in my life.  I just know that any other stay at home mom out there who has to go without her husband and partner in life for a long period of time or even short periods - is going to have some issues and get frustrated.  Is going to have melt downs- is going to get sick of her kids.  Especially if they are young and still around all day long - especially if they fight a lot when they are home.
I love being home with my kids.  I chose to do this.  I chose to give up my career (job) and I chose to be home with my kids.  So I guess you could say I should just suck it up and enjoy every minute right?  Because I DO know that there are those out there who would love to be home with their kids.  Every situation is different and I would appreciate it if you don't judge me based on your situation.  ANYONE when thrown into a single parent situation that has nothing but 5year olds and younger to talk to during the day and evening - to interact with - is going to get over whelmed.  I could turn to you and say - well at least you get to be out of the house - at least you get adult interaction.  I could have adult interaction if I wanted to work outside the home.  But again I chose to be home with my children.  To each their own.  Everyone's situation is different not one situation should seem easier than another's because we don't all know what each other go through-- we aren't there.
I am not going to say that if you work and also have to be alone with your kids once you get home that it isn't just as hard?  I know it is.  Its lonely and I will say it again - I do have a new found respect and compassion for single moms and moms with military spouses.  I mean at least I get to talk to my husband.  Some wives don't even get to communicate with them.  And for THAT I am grateful.  For that I am blessed.  I don't want to get into a debate with anyone.  Maybe I should chose a different way to let out my feelings than to put it out there on the internet.  I guess I just thought maybe if I got a little sympathy I would feel better?  But what I really should be doing is venting to the ONE who truly cares for me unconditionally and I know for a fact has missed me this week - maybe that's why its been so hard lately?  I have neglected my time with God.  Its probably because ANY time I get alone to myself I chose to shower or unload the dishwasher or catch up on bills and receipts or folding laundry...I should be spending that time praying to God to give me strength throughout my day and to give me patience with my kids - and to allow for quiet alone time in my day where I can renew myself - where I can gather my thoughts and get my sanity back so I can be the mom my girls need me to be.  They don't need a mom who is tired and constantly frustrated all day long and all evening long.  They need a mom who's priority is to love them and take care of them. Period.  I am that mom - they have no one else - especially because their daddy isn't here.  I have to remember I am not the only one missing him.  And even more their daddy misses them.  I need to remind myself that at least I GET to be around 3 little pieces of him and where he's at he has no one.  No warm body to remind him of his family.  So when I am getting frustrated and upset I need to pray and ask God to remind me of the blessings of my situation.  I need to not forget what all He has given me already.  I look at this blog and I can't believe its been 2 months since I last wrote.  Its been 3 months tomorrow since he left and looking back it seems to have gone fast - just don't ask or tell me that when I am having a bad day ;-)
I don't really know what I want to accomplish writing this.  I just know that for me today was a bad day.  And YES it was because Lily didn't have school.  And for some strange reason when that happens Charlee is a different person and they fight and fuss and whine and complain and tattle ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY!  It does drive one crazy so YES I appreciate school because that is the format that Lily thrives in and when she's at school getting her groove on Charlee is a sweet independent little angel who does not scream at me and willingly takes naps and is fun to be around.  I enjoy my time with her and my day goes so much smoother when my kids get breaks from each other.  Its healthy for them its healthy for me.  THEY need a change in who they interact with too.
Well I think that's enough rattling of feathers for now.  Those of you that know me know my heart and understand what I am going through and I know are praying for me and I appreciate that.
I know it doesn't seem like it at times but I am thankful, blessed, proud, and happy to be a stay-at-home mom even now when I get no breaks and am missing my best friend so much that even as I type this I just want to curl up and cry because I ache for him.  I know it doesn't seem like it but I know I'm not perfect and I know I am not entitled to a trial free life.  But this last year has been an interesting one for sure.  One I am sure I will look back on one day and say "that's when I grew" "that's when I found myself" "that's when I truly appreciated my husband and my family"----nite all....please don't hate me.....for being real.